stuff and things

Ah shit I should write something, man I got in a groove there for a while, going to bed before three AM, getting my writing done in the morning, it was nice. I have no idea how it all went wrong but here I am.

I have a couple of days off from work in a row for once, I say for once but at this time last week I was in the middle of a three day trip to the beach so whatever. It feels like a long time, and it feels like longer now that I am in the interview process for a new job.

Which sucks, see, I don't actually have the job yet, and won't know if I do until at least Tuesday, probably later. The thing is my emotions are already telling me "Stop giving a crap at your current job, you won't be there much longer" which is an incredibly seductive idea and also one that will utterly screw me if I don't get it. And let's face it, the odds are against me, yes I realize I am competent and deserving of the position, yes I interview pretty well apparently if history is anything to go by, but let's be honest here, there are probably a lot of other qualified people getting interviews too, and only one of us gets the position.

So I can hope sure, I can be optimistic, but I can't start planning for it like it's a sure thing, because it totally isn't and if I don't get my head around that it is gonna hurt a lot if I don't get it. I have reacted poorly to workplace disappointment in the past, burned some bridges I shouldn't have and literally thrown away jobs that I could have built a career around. But unlike the past, if I do something like that now it has some rather more severe consequences.

So yeah, that's me I guess. A ball of anxiety, desperately restrained hopes, and a sense of impending doom.

It is the millennial experience.