Depression

Hey everybody! We have a new contributor on the blog, welcome Zach, who will be posting once in a while when the mood takes him, as we all do. Zach is if anything more hardcore progressive than even me, probably not coincidentally he is also better educated. He has started us off with some poetry of his own creation so check it out.

I wanna talk about depression and specifically suicide, since it is in the news at the moment. Anytime a famous person commits suicide social media gets flooded with various awareness boosting posts, affirmations of support, and advice to those with depression and suicidal ideation. That's all well and good I guess, but outside of creating awareness of things like suicide hotlines, I don't think they really do all that much for those on the brink.

The thing about depression as I've experienced it and heard described by others, is that it doesn't really care what other people say. We all want to be able to find the one perfect phrase, or aphorism, that will make our sick friend or family member alright, but it doesn't work like that, a depressed person's brain is literally not working like a healthy one and is not really interacting with reality in ways that are logical. When someone is about to commit suicide they aren't(I imagine) thinking "I should call a friend and have them talk me out of this" what they are thinking is "I am gonna kill myself now", other opinions just don't enter into it at that point.

The best way to keep someone who is about to commit suicide from killing themselves is to physically prevent them from doing so, take away the gun, flush the pills, pull them away from the ledge. That works, for a while.

I am not saying that you should just ignore depressed people, or that talking doesn't help, I am just saying that once someone had made the decision to kill themselves, they aren't going to be the ones reaching out generally, so in those cases talking isn't even an option.

I guess that is the main problem I have with this advice of "call me anytime bro I got your back" it puts the onus on the depressed person to seek help, rather than on you to give it. If someone kills themselves after you have posted your general request on social media that they should talk to you first, well, you have done all you could right? You can't help it if they don't want to be helped.

Except you have actively done nothing, a passive statement that you are a resource, especially one that is just sort of vomited out into the stream of social media, is not something that anyone with depression sees as useful, because one of the other things depression does is sap motivation.

When folks think about lack of motivation it is usually in the context of not wanting to get up in the morning, but with depression it is different. My worst periods with depression did involve sleeping a lot sure, but at odd hours, and during the times I was awake I was active and engaged, sometimes even employed.
But I wasn't talking to anyone about my problems. It wasn't that I was unaware of my problems for the most part, but I actively(passively?) refused to bring it up to any of my friends and family, including my girlfriend for a long time. It wasn't that I was ashamed or anything, I don't think, but I didn't have the motivation to talk about it, the very idea was so exhausting that it didn't even register as an option for the longest time.

It didn't go unnoticed, I had family, including Zena, asking, demanding, that I talk about what was going on with me, and I wouldn't.

Keep in mind that my depressive episodes are pretty fuckin mild as these things go, I never really actively contemplated suicide for example, only thought wistfully of not having to be alive tomorrow. And eventually I managed to get myself to a much more stable place. And even with that it was like pulling teeth to get me to address my issues even to myself.

Think about that and then think how much harder it must be for someone to whom suicide is rapidly becoming an option, not only an option, but the most desirable one. What must it take for that person to reach out and ask for help? For many, perhaps most people in that situation it is literally impossible to do so, it doesn't even register as an option a lot of the time.

The point is that it is entirely unproductive to just make passive statements of availability, if you know you have a friend at risk, or even one who might be, fuck it even one you haven't talked to in a while, pick up the phone and call them, text if you must, go and knock on their door if you can, but you have to reach out, because the disease means that they can't. Phone calls will save lives, Facebook posts will only make you feel better.


Oh shit, that would have been a good spot to end on except I forgot something: You damn well better be prepared to not be a friggin tool about it either. A good way to start a conversation with a depressed person you have convinced to talk to you is "Do you want advice or would you like me to just listen right now?" honestly if that isn't part of your conversation than you might not be doing any good anyway, because remember that it isn't about you, it's about them, and your need to give advice may not match up with their need to talk about their problems. Your ego cannot be part of this equation at all or you will do more harm than good.

Okay I think that is it for now, be safe everyone.