Points for showing up.

I have trouble taking compliments on things I do, not because I don't believe they are genuine, but I don't really believe that most of the stuff I do is really worth it.

An example, I've spoken before of my dislike for crowds and parties in general, however I still go to the occasional event particularly ones involving my family. After they are over I almost invariably get a curiously heart felt thank you for making the effort to be there. But that is a pretty basic thing you do when you have friends and family, you go to events that are important to them, parties, graduations, holiday dinners, whatever. I don't feel it is going above and beyond the call of duty to show up and it makes me uncomfortable that apparently me doing that minimum level of effort is an unexpected surprise to people.

Now an argument can be made that this is my own problem, particularly with the specific example I cited above, but I feel as a general piece of advice it is probably worth paying attention to, especially as regards to relationships.

When you are in a partnership with someone you don't get points for just showing up, it's a good first step, but you don't get a cookie because you are there. I speak mainly about men, because they are the ones I most often see wanting that sort of credit, but obviously it can be anyone. Men though tend to be held to a much lower standard though, Zena cooks and clean a lot more than I do, part of that is a failing on my part, part of that is she likes to cook more often than me and gets annoyed with mess more easily than I do, which is also a failing on my part, but the point is she does a fair bit of more of housework than I do generally, this is pretty much taken as a given, yet when I do some dishes, or take the garbage out, I get a level of recognition normally reserved for spontaneous acts of romance or something, because for me and for my gender, that is more than is expected by our culture.

I use chores as an example, but the real problem with this issue in relationships is a bit more dire, the main requirement for a man to be considered a "good catch" is that he has a job and hasn't been obviously cheating on his partner. That's... basically it and that is pretty horrible, and when he internalizes it, expects recognition for essentially doing nothing, and then actually gets that recognition because his partner doesn't realize they even have the option to expect better, it makes me suspect that the vast majority of relationships are incredibly unhealthy.

Now I am not saying one shouldn't be recognized for the little things they do, or even for the bare minimum of showing up every day and paying the bills, they are right and necessary and saying thank you once in a while, an meaning it, is a perfectly healthy thing to want. But it shouldn't be the only thing being recognized, if a cop who gives a speeding ticket expects the same rewards and gratitude as the on who frees a child from a kidnapper he would be getting some interesting pushback right? Tickets need to be given out, and those who do it are doing a job that deserves recognition, but we also need people to catch the kidnappers, metaphorically speaking in this particular instance.

Moving into the political/social movement sphere, we find the same attitude popping up in feminist circles like, a lot. The guys who show up when systemic sexual abuse is talked about with the "Not all men" statements are pretty much just saying they want an award for not raping, and the guy who lists being a feminist on his dating profile more often than not is unprepared to actually talk the talk on it, let alone walk the walk, and simply wants an award for knowing it exists. It's dumb as hell and once again, we do reward men for this.

In writing the above paragraph I felt a glimmer of righteousness that I am not one of those guys, I felt good about the fact that the bare minimum of decency, not being a shit about rape, was met by me. The idea that this is an achievement, at all, doesn't feel right to me, I feel like it should be reacted to with the same response as someone saying "I require oxygen to survive" and yet we treat meeting the bare minimum standards for decency as once again a massive accomplishment about half the population so much that I internalized it myself.

We need to start expecting better of ourselves in all aspects of our lives, you don't get points for just showing up, you get points for doing something, or at least trying to.


A short aside, there are people for which showing up is basically all they are capable of, folks with depression and anxiety issues or other problems that mean they literally have no energy to do much beyond the minimum, if that, and I don't want to tell people having problems like that that they are fucking up because their brain hates them. As with most things, there are exceptions. However when there are partners involved it is unwise to assume they will tolerate the bare minimum forever, because they have to think about their own care just as anyone else does.

The above does not apply to the whole sexual assault aspect, I don't care how depressed you are, you are never so depressed that you need to get a reward for not raping.