Relationship articles bug me, so...

Every so often someone links an article that, in list form, tells us the top eight, or ten, or five, or whatever, things that you should focus on, or not focus on, to have a perfect relationship. For the most part these are pretty broadly agreeable without really getting into specifics, but two items tend to keep popping up on the list that I have problems with, actually I have three problems total, the first is the premise itself. I will now go over those problems in the form of a list.

1. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship.
By no means am I attempting to say that every relationship is horrible, but perfect for one person could be pure hell for another, and it is terribly unrealistic to expect your significant other to match you so perfectly that you never disagree or have conflicts. This expectation I think ends a lot of relationships before they begin, because small differences or disagreements look insurmountable when compared to the romanticized ideal.
You are going to argue, you are going to disagree, one partner is going to want something the other doesn't, all parties are going to disappoint or hurt the other at some point or another, people are complicated and their goals will inevitably conflict once in a while, this is fine and good, work out your arguments, compromise on your disagreements, let your partner have something you don't care for, and consider letting go of things your partner doesn't. Support each other through problems.





I want to be clear, I am not saying forgive everything, some hurts can't easily be healed, some actions shouldn't be forgiven, and sometimes, you can't fix a problem, recognizing these things and ending them are hard, and so is distinguishing between irreconcilable differences and the simple differences that come from two or more people trying to share a life, but if you go into a relationship expecting to never deal with conflict, you will always be disappointed.


2. Love is not all you need.Love is pretty great, whether you think of it a spiritual connection or a result of assorted brain chemicals or both, being in love tends to make you feel good, inspire great works, and makes everything just a little better, and if someone loves you back, then that is even better too.
But.
Love is pretty fuckin' stupid too, or rather our reactions to it tend to be, we cut a lot of slack with those we love, especially those we love romantically, we paper over problems and attempt to ignore massive and potentially irreconcilable differences because "I love you, and that is enough". The thing is though it totally isn't, love is enough when it is coupled with effort, and you do need effort, I've watched relationships end where both parties theoretically loved each other, at least at first, but one party had goals, and the other was content to skate along at their current level, and always it seems that either the one with goals ends up moving on without the other, or their attempt to motivate the other drives them away, or convinces them they weren't ever in love in the first place, which amounts to the same thing.
It very nearly happened to me, during my extended period of unemployment a while back, I had no goals and thought I was happy where I was, and I very nearly lost everything when Zena decided she couldn't wait for me anymore. Fortunately I was somehow able to move on, and we worked things out, but love didn't fix it, at no point during this period did we stop loving each other but we, or rather I, needed to put some effort into it as well.
Don't take for granted that your partner will always be there, make an effort to talk about goals and desires and what you can do to meet them, both for yourself and for your partner.


3. Money is really fucking important.Seriously, this shouldn't ever be in doubt, you need it to live, at least until Bernie Sanders is elected and ushers in a full communist utopia(yes I know he won't do that, shut up). Until that day though, money is required and will be a source of friction in a partnership, different people deal with it in different ways, from joint accounts to rigidly separated areas of responsibility and all in between. I am not saying you should be rich, but I am saying that being financially responsible in a relationship is a sign of respect that you should not be unwilling to show for your partner. Right now in my life Zena is the majority wage earner, though I hope to even that up soon, but that doesn't mean I don't contribute, I am appallingly bad with money, as evidenced by the financial disaster my store turned out to be, so I move a large portion of my every paycheck into a joint account that we don't use without talking about it first, she contributes too of course, and rather more than I do at the moment, but having this account means we are able to do things like pay to fix my teeth, when if left to my own devices I would have a great deal of difficulty saving up for it myself, which means she would have to carry that entire burden, and she probably would, but that is unfair to her.
My own personal finances I am free to waste as much as I like, our set up means we are working together and at least making an effort to work together financially.



Everyone has bills, and emergencies, and they don't stop needing to be paid just because you are in love, figure something out so that nobody feels taken for granted. And if your partner asks you to get a job, then go out and get a fucking job, flip burgers if you have to, is your pride really more important than keeping the lights on or staying with the person you love? It damn well better not be.



So those are the three main points and assumptions relationship articles make that i have problems with, but I do have one other issue that isn't ever really mentioned:

Sex isn't all that important.
Sex is a lot of fun, many of us feel like we don't have it enough and that is okay and understandable. The thing is though is that sex is also inconvenient, messy, and frequently uncomfortable for one or more parties due to reasons entirely beyond anyone's control, be they physical or mental. And that is also okay, some form of sex life is probably a requirement for a romantic relationship, but banging each others brains out simply isn't going to happen every day, or every week, or even every month sometimes. You need to realize that your partner may not want to bone on occasion and come to peace with the idea that you are not some sort of lust god and that if they don't want to sleep with you that doesn't necessarily reflect on you. You also need to make a plan for when you want to get it on when your partner doesn't, fortunately I have a foolproof option for sexual satisfaction in that situation.
You have hands.
Seriously, leave your poor partner alone, let them sleep or work or read or whatever and deal with your issues like an adult, or possibly like a teenager, you've survived years without having sex whenever you want to, you can survive an evening or however long it takes here.
That isn't to say you shouldn't talk about it of course, perhaps your partner isn't attracted to you for some reason in your control, persistent body odor? Bad breath? You keep waking up at three AM on a work night and trying to bang? Perhaps you are considering voting for Donald Trump?
While any reason to not want to have sex is legitimate, if there is something under your control then you need to be able to talk about it and work to change it. If you aren't willing to work, than my point is proven, sex obviously isn't that important.

But seriously, there's a lot you can do together that isn't exchanging bodily fluids, and we no longer need everyone popping out kids to keep the species alive, you are in control of your body, not your genitals.


I trust that you know you shouldn't rape your partner right? And that any form of coercion is rape? Respect your partner, who you love, enough to respect their boundaries.