Logan for Speaker of the House

So I imagine you are all aware of the current crisis the Republicans have regarding choosing a Speaker of the House, but just in case I have a brief rundown:

John Boehner, the current speaker, decided, coincidentally the day after meeting the Pope, that he would retire at the end of October, since then the party has had a bit of a leadership crisis, see the extremist factions are rejecting most candidates for either not being conservative enough, or being "Washington insiders" while the more moderate Republicans are not excited about having a madman who refuses to compromise in that position, so they can't currently agree on anything.

Boehner looks committed to the retirement plan, and the one candidate who might have been appealing to all sides, for Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan, has flat out said he has no interest in being Speaker. If the party can't pick someone for the job though, the Democrats might end up getting to do so, so the GOP is looking a bit farther afield, Newt Gingrich's name has been tossed around in some circles, which I think would be hilarious, I kinda want to see the 2016 election be Bush Vs Clinton, with Newt as Speaker, it would be like traveling back in time twenty four years.
But barring that unlikely scenario, I have another option: Myself.

Now I know I am not a conservative, and that might be an obstacle, but I feel like I could lie about it until I get the position, as for qualifications, I totally can meet  the requirements of both the extremists and the moderate factions.

Able to compromise? Check.
Able to lie about being able to compromise? Check
Washington outsider? You know it, I can even promise to not set foot in Washington DC.
Not beholden to special interests? Yup, after the  bankruptcy I am free of debt, and too unimportant to be chased by lobbyists, obviously.

Obviously it would be my outsider status that really appeals to people, I feel like it's a strong resume and I should be considered, write your representatives people.