Relationships

I was chatting with my coworkers while it was slow yesterday and the conversation got around to dating and relationships, it came out that I have been with Zena for about 16 years now, half my life. The consensus among those I was talking to was that they did not know how we managed it, it was sort of sad, they were largely in favor of long term relationships, but were not able to really grasp it as a thing you could do. They were all on the younger side, and I imagine most of them will figure it out one way or another, but perhaps not, and it got me thinking about the things we do to keep things going in our relationship. Basically I am going to just throw out advice, take it or leave it.

Talk to each other
If any of this stuff is listened to, I hope it is this one. You know that sitcom stereotype of the woman who always is nagging, pestering the man on every topic imaginable? And the man for his part is doing pretty much everything in his power to ignore her? Well it is anecdotal I know, but from my observations I can think of at least five sets of parents of kids from my generation, mine included, that fit that pattern. I usually blame the man, as talking has not historically been a way we have been encouraged to share our feelings. It goes something like this: Woman has a problem, talks to man about it, man (sometimes) appears to listen, but actually isn't, nothing changes, woman talks again, process repeats, woman becomes desperate, escalating questions and worries in an attempt to get a reaction, any reaction, that shows she is being heard, fights happen, then, one day, the man has had enough and out comes all the problems and bile that he has built up over the years that he has kept to himself because he never learned to talk about his problems, and certainly not with a woman. The kids watch and learn, usually the wrong things, because all kids see is mom being mean to daddy, cycle repeats with the next generation. Which I have seen too with some relationships of folks in my social circle.
I know this doesn't have to break down on gender lines as I have described it, but that is what I have personally seen, so that is how it is getting discussed right now.

The solution is to simply talk to each other, and listen, actually listen to your partner, I have talked about active listening before in other contexts, but it is a skill everyone needs to have and it applies in nearly any situation, actually hearing and understanding what each other are saying, you don't have to agree, you just have to listen, and show that you have done so. I decided early in my relationship that I didn't want it to end the way I have seen others in my older generation end, and that is the primary reason in my view.

Don't hold a grudge
I am really good at being mad at people, I can hold a grudge forever, sometimes I lie awake at night remembering those who wronged me, then I can't sleep and get cranky the next day, I am not saying it is healthy, but as long as you don't spend a ton of time on it it won't ruin your life.
There is one person you can't do that with though, your partner, you have to spend your life with this person, and if you are keeping fresh in your mind all the ways that person may have wronged you, you are cruising right for a confrontation like the one I described above. If you feel wronged, tell your partner, if they feel wronged, they need to talk to you, you can't spend your lives trying to guess what is wrong, the line "If you don't know why I am mad, I won't tell you" is among the most passive-aggressive, toxic things you can do to someone you presumably like a fair bit. Are you hurt? That sucks, tell them, and tell them why. This is something that I personally struggle with, as you maybe guessed by my opening line for the paragraph, it generally ends with me talking about it at about 3 AM when Zena has to get up soon, which while inconvenient, at least means I won't blow up a year or two down the line and destroy an appliance or something in a burst of rage. I work on it.

Your partner doesn't owe you anything
Being in a relationship is pretty nice ideally, you and your partner should make each other better together than you are separately, and your life together should be better than your life was apart. But that can be used as a weapon, take the case of a woman who moves in with a boyfriend and in so doing, manages to escape an abusive situation at her home. That is great, but everyone can see the potential abuse and imbalance of power here right? It is on the person with the advantage to not use it, and in fact to not even discuss it in such terms, she does not owe him sex or anything for him taking her into his home, either he did it out of an honest desire to help, in which case asking for payment for a charitable act is a dick move, or he offered it because he thinks his life is better with her in it than without, in which case she still owes him nothing because they are helping each other.
In my life, Zena is the one with more power, she has a stable job that pays better and has more hours than mine, we live in her family home, I basically damaged her financial future in such a way as it will take years to repair with my game store, yet she does not act like I owe her anything, she expects nothing of me except that I am here and that I stay here, I do that by looking for work and attempting to improve my health, among other things, I don't do it because I owe her, it isn't a transaction, I do it because I want to make our lives better, she could very easily hold this stuff over my head for all sorts of reasons and it would be hard to argue with, but it would be damaging to our relationship, because it is no longer a partnership at that point.
On a more simple note, just because you are in a relationship now doesn't mean your partner has turned into a machine that dispenses sex once you put enough kindness in, you want to have a romantic dinner and a night out? Great, enjoy that Filet Mignon and dancing, because odds are that once in a while they won't feel like doing it afterwards, perhaps they have a headache, perhaps they are tired, or perhaps they just don't feel like it tonight, it doesn't mean they don't love you, it just means they don't want to bone right now, and if you plan your night around the boning, then you have done both of you a disservice.



It shouldn't feel like work or a prison sentence.
I have no patience for the idea that marriage, or the committed relationship style of your choice, is a restriction on your life, a sacrifice you need to make, or a job you agree to take on. Remember, you are doing this because you want to, you want to do it more than you want the "freedom" to play the field or continue living by yourself, you are sacrificing nothing because those are not things you want, if they are, then maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship? I am not saying it doesn't take work, it does, but the point is you shouldn't wake up in the morning with the thought of "Time to work on the ol' relationship now" You might wake up occasionally and think "Too tired to deal with their shit" on occasion, and that is fine, but if that becomes regular, you both have a problem someone isn't addressing. You won't wake up filled with joy everyday that you are with your partner, it just isn't going to happen, sometimes there will be other things on your mind, sometimes you will be depressed or dealing with some other mental issue, sometimes you will wake up in a bad mood, it happens to me on occasion.
But even on the worst day, there is a point when I look at or think about Zena, and on some level I realize that I am better now than I once was, and tomorrow I will be better once again, and it is because she and I together make that happen.

Goodnight.