Reason for optimism

I'd like to write more, but I just don't have the time usually between school and work.

So I quit.

I put in notice last week, my last day is the 20th of this month.

No I am not quitting just so I can write more. But rather I really need to focus on school because it turns out there is a lot to learn packed into fifteen weeks, I am in the last third of our course learning C# and about midway through I hit a wall and realized I needed to start being on campus more, or at least talking with people who know coding, it is probably not a coincidence that campus has more than a few of those so that is working out pretty well. So between that and work I am already stretched for time, but I also can't neglect the finding a job part of things, that means using the resources there to practice interview questions, both soft skills and technical, and to update my resume and web site, no I will not be linking you my web site at this time because I am somewhat embarrassed by it, mostly by it's incredible sparseness, additionally I need to start thinking of other things to learn, more languages that aren't covered by my classes, frameworks, that sort of thing, as well as researching companies to help with my job search.

That all takes time, time I don't really feel like I have, and since my work stubbornly refuses to give me the unreasonably easy schedule that is all I think I can handle, it's gotta go. I am not mad at them, I was hired as a full time manager and spent the last couple months demanding to cut way back on both hours and responsibilities, but I also don't really like the job so there isn't really an incentive to make it work on my part.

I won't lie and say I haven't been wanting to quit, it's gotten... pretty bad for me being there over the last few months, and it took me probably longer than it should have to make the decision. I kept confusing things, thinking that "I can't do this" is the same as "I don't want to do this" when in fact both were true. I really didn't want to, but I had to admit after having a bit of a breakdown on Monday that can't do it either.

Being forced to admit you can't do something is different than not thinking you can do it at all, if that makes any sense, it's more of a challenge to your sense of self to have to admit what can be thought of as weakness.

I had a rough few days after I made the decision I'll admit but I am feeling much better about everything now. My responsibility now becomes doing the best I can with my remaining schoolwork and finding a job as fast as possible. I will probably be selling some stuff too, I have a garage full of things leftover from Unplugged Games that I have been meaning to try to get rid of, plus a couple thousand dollars of Magic cards. Yeah I love Magic and spent a lot of effort on my collection, but in the end it's all just stuff, and if I get a good job you know what? I can buy that stuff again without too much difficulty.

Since I quit I really thought I'd start phoning it in at work, but it turns out I don't have that in me at least. While I am not super invested in the store's success, I don't actually dislike my coworkers and I want them to succeed as much as possible, and fucking up my job does nothing but make everyone else have to work harder. That is a trap a little bit, in some circumstances companies are counting on people to make sacrifices they don't want to because it will help their coworkers who they like, but for the next few days I am comfortable making an effort for my crew, most of whom I would gladly hire if I was in a position to do so. Fortunately most of them are also young and just doing a job while they work on their career or education.

It's fairly cool really, among my coworkers, all of whom I am about fifteen years older than, we have one woman who is leaving soon to move into college dorms while she goes into a graphic design program, not to learn it necessarily, she's actually bee getting paid for it for a while, but to get the credentials she needs to prove she knows her stuff. There's another woman who is only here for the summer before she goes back to Brown for her Neuroscience program. There's a guy in a Computer Science track as well, we chat about our trials, three weeks ago he was telling me stuff about C#, now I am educating him, but he also knows a few other languages I have no grounding in.
One of my managers is there to make money while he completes a GED and goes into an electrician trade school, another guy has had struggles with mental illness and is basically working to prove to himself he can, he's been there over a year now and is just about convinced and ready to think about moving on to other stuff, massage school I think.

Not a one of them feels stuck, not a one of them doesn't have plans, and who knows perhaps next year every single one of them will have changed their plans, but even so I bet that their new ones won't involve working entry level food service positions. I have hope for the younger generation, and some for myself, I mean, when you get right down to it, what is the difference between deciding on an education and career path for the first time and deciding on it for the third? Either way you are reinventing yourself and if those whippersnappers can do it then fuck it I got a good chance too.