The small things keep you going.

I've been thinking a bit about depression over the last few days. I've talked before about my own experiences with it, and while I think they are comparatively minor when considered against a lot of other people they are still my experiences and valid enough for me. I think everyone gets it to a greater or lesser extent at some point, we all have days when we wake up and think that it would probably be easier if we drove off of a bridge or something. And to be honest in the grand scheme of things it isn't precisely incorrect, existing takes a lot of effort, and if we don't feel like it is worth the effort well...

For me I find it helps to have small things to look forward to or ground me. I go to the movies every week, if something were to happen to me then I wouldn't be able to see the movie next week, Logan is coming out soon, I can't miss that, and so on. Or writing, not necessarily the blog, but my other projects, I won't finish them if you know, I am dead.
Now relax, I have never done anything more than think and am not interested in having a giant heart to heart about my shit with anyone at the moment, this isn't a cry for help, just sharing my coping mechanism.

I think a lot of times that the small stuff is more important than the big stuff, like sure I love my wife and don't wish to take myself away from her, but that isn't what I think about in the dark moments, guilt is in many ways the opposite of a motivator, it has to be something positive, I don't know if I am saying this right. Possibly it is something about control, my cat can be an asshole, Zena can have a bad day, but I can always go to the movies, or write a bit, or find some reason to see what happens next, that is something I can do and it doesn't rely on anyone else.

I can't control what the president does, I can't control other people, my friends will live their own lives and only occasionally will they spend much energy considering me, I can put ice cream on the shopping list, or find a book to read, or wait for a new movie release. It's the little things, yeah Zena is a reason to live in general, but finishing my mobile murderfortress in Cataclysm(a zombie survival game I have been playing), that's a reason to stick around until after my shift is done.

I realize this post might seem kind of a bummer and I really don't mean it to be, I think there is something strangely neat about how little it takes to choose to keep on keeping on. We all make similar choices at some point or another, I suspect we do anyway. And the fact that so many of us are still around is a testament to our own bloody mindedness. The idea that "I want to see what happens tomorrow" is more often than not enough is inspiring in its way.

Anyway, that's me tonight, it was movie night, I went to Lego Batman and had a good time, you will hear all about it(literally) in tomorrow's post because part two of my let's play is spending the night compressing and converting.