Boundaries, and when to shut up.

Related to yesterday's topic is that of when to stop talking. I feel like this skill is one of the more important ones you can have for almost any situation, and it is virtually never talked about, at least if you are a man anyway, never having grown up as a woman I can't say if "you should shut up" is commonly explicitly stated by society, but it is pretty clear that most women learn fairly quickly what our society wants out of them regarding opening their mouths.

As per usual, there are few hard and fast rules that apply to every situation, but as a general tactic  I suspect the following stuff works pretty well most of the time.

I harp on communication pretty constantly, especially as a relationship skill, it's important! Talking means you aren't hitting, or drinking, or whatever else. Hopefully anyway. But you gotta learn to shut up too, I am not talking about listening, that should be implicit in communication, but rather pushing an opinion in where it isn't needed or even asked for, sometimes you can't fix a problem, sometimes the person with the problem isn't looking for a solution, and sometimes they aren't looking for YOUR solution. Whatever the reason knowing when to just be there is a more complicated skill than one might think.

The same dynamic applies to talking with groups, especially those groups who you might not really belong to.

We'll use feminism as an example, since it was brought up yesterday. As a male I don't have the same relationship with feminism as women do, and my part in the movement must be as an ally and not a leader or controller, what this means is if I see a woman link an article or share a story and give a reaction to it, my possible responses are limited to being supportive, at this stage of the discussion it is not on me to offer tips for how to deal with being pissed off by something, or to tell her that her reaction is incorrect and here's why, those things haven't been asked for and are not appropriate at this time, it is not even the right move to share a related article to that person, they aren't asking for discussion about what I want to talk about, even if I think it will help. Even if I am right, it is not going to do any good at that particular time.

Sound dumb? Or like I am unfairly limiting how men can participate in a discussion? here's another scenario.

If my wife is crying over something beyond my control and tells me about it, my possible responses are limited to being supportive, at this stage of the problem it is not on me to offer tips for how to deal with being sad or angry about something, or to tell her that her reaction is irrational and here's why, those things haven't been asked for and are not appropriate at this time, it is not even the right move to offer my thoughts on the issue to her, she isn't asking for me to tell her what to talk about, even if I think it will help. Even if I am right it will not do any good at that particular time.

If you still think you are being unfairly limited then you might be a bad person.

There's a level of consent you need before you can try to fix someone's problem, be they an individual or a group and until you get that consent you aren't going to make a difference even if you are correct. Consent isn't hard to figure out, did someone ask for your opinion as my friend did on her post that started this whole train of thought? Then go for it! Your opinion may still be ignored, but you now have a green light to talk about your ideas, hopefully as they relate to the issue at hand. Are you a member of the group the discussion is about? You should probably get involved then.

I admit it is hard sometimes to decide whether or not your presence in a discussion is unwelcome, but there is an easy way to find out, ask! If they want to hear what you have to say they will respond favorably, if not then make the appropriate noises of support or condemnation, click the like button if appropriate, then go about your life secure in the knowledge that you haven't made someone's day worse.