My anniversary! And relationship stuff.

Zena and I don't remember the exact date we started going out, but we know it was mid-January of 2000, so we basically pick an evening where we both aren't too tired and go out for dinner, that day is today, sixteen years is roughly half my life and it causes me to be strangely judgmental about others relationships, I'm all "You've only known each other for five years, don't you think you are moving too fast?" when I hear about a friend of mine moving in with a significant other, then I have to remember that most people I know now aren't in high school anymore and my relationship is not the only way to do things.

Worked out pretty good for me though, so I can be a little bit smug about that anyway.

I thought about making this post about relationship advice, but I feel like that would be pretty insufferable and probably only reliably apply to mine anyway, so instead I will talk about one thing I've seen in a couple relationship advice columns that I strongly disagree with.

There is an idea that opposites attract, and that fights are a healthy part of a relationship, and while it is true that you don't need to agree on everything to have a healthy partnership, you do need to at least reach a compromise on the important things, what's important you ask? Well, what are you fighting about? I don't mean mild disagreements over putting the toilet seat down  or whose turn it is to take out the garbage. I mean what is causing screaming, shouting, crying, fights? Because those aren't healthy for you or anyone around you.

No, really, they aren't. It doesn't matter that you make up later, or that the make up sex is great, your method of dispute resolution is a high intensity conflict where at least one parties feelings get hurt badly enough to break down and cry, there is something fundamentally wrong with the process at this point. And if you have pets, or kids, then you are stressing them out and teaching them some pretty fucked up lessons for later.

Are you fighting about household chores? Your budget? Sex? Politics? Figure it out, and reach a compromise because until you do you will keep fighting over the same thing, and eventually someone will run out of the will to keep trying, because really, you aren't trying at that point, you are just yelling.

If your goal when with someone is to be happy, and you spend a significant percentage of your interactions with that person making yourself unhappy, then you need to ask yourself why that is, and why you are with them.

As always, talking, and especially listening, are the only ways to resolve those conflicts, in either direction, I don't mean yelling, winning because you shouted down the other person doesn't mean any ideas were described, or opinions transmitted, it just means the other person got to tired of listening and gave up... for now.

It's worked for me and Zena for a while now anyway, we've definitely had our ups and downs, but because at the end we fundamentally like each other and want to be happy more than we want to be right, we've figured it out more often than not, that has forced some uncomfortable introspection on me more than once, and for her as well I am sure, but that is okay, pride is the best thing to do without in those circumstances.

One last thing, I talked about the goal being to be happy, and said we wanted to be happy, notice that I didn't say "we wanted each other to be happy"? That was intentional, there is some element of selfishness to any relationship I think, I mean, if it didn't make you happy, why would anyone do it? We do want each other to be happy, and as cliche as it is it often does make us happy to make the other happy so it works out nicely, but the primary goal is to make myself happy first. That doesn't mean ignoring the other person and doing what you want, that isn't a relationship at that point, but remember, the whole reason I am with her is because she makes me happy, and she likewise feels the same about me. At its root, being in the relationship in the first place stems from selfishness in a way.

Relationships aren't martyrdom, they are built on mutual benefit, maximizing the benefit to both parties should be the goal, and fortunately you can, and you can do so without actually giving up anything except for the occasional modification of behavior and some time! I realize that sounds a hair clinical, but you don't have to, and indeed probably shouldn't, think about it like that in practice. Just, try to remember you love each other, and decide if you are happier being right, or being with each other.