Week Seven

Seven weeks down, who knows how many to go? The governor extended Oregon's state of emergency until July, so my guess is probably at least that many, but who knows. I keep thinking I am at my limit and that I am gonna go into isolation any day now, but I keep not doing it. I'm so tired all the time and I am starting to get pretty bitter about the people I deliver to every day, why I can't I be you? I say to myself in the car as I go on to the next run.

Work is fine, business is booming at my shop, it never seems to stop growing, with last week hitting record sales numbers. My paycheck turns out to have been fine so far as I can tell and my boss assures me that this is the last time it will happen like this, we'll see.

I think part of my angst is that, try as I might, I cannot bring myself to believe pizza delivery is an essential service. I really don't think I am saving any lives by doing what I do, and I may in fact be endangering some. All this means I should just say fuck it and isolate, but I keep not doing it. Part of the reason for that is fear that I won't actually have a job when things end. I am not saying my bosses are liars, I believe that they believe most everything they say. But I am saying that all bosses are liars when they have to be. But should I really be so concerned even if I don't have a job when this is all over? It isn't like I can't get work at literally any other pizza joint if I want to keep that career.

I'll go through this week and see how I feel at the end of it, as usual.

I've seen a few comments recently on Facebook and other forums about people being scared of the coronavirus. The context really doesn't matter and while the person commenting doesn't overtly say it, they are clearly implying that the fear is both irrational and stupid and shouldn't be a reason they can't play Magic: The Gathering at a game shop anymore. These folks get slapped down pretty swiftly, usually with lines like "It's not about being scared, it's about not wanting to hurt or kill someone else for my comfort." This is not false on the face of it but I think there is a problem that isn't being addressed when people say that.

It really is about fear.

Fear is a reaction to danger and the unknown, it can be argued that as an emotion it may evolutionarily  speaking be the most important of them. Fear is also not always a logical reaction and societally speaking is perhaps the most harmful emotion possible. There are times and things it is not okay to be afraid of: Gay people, Jews, education, different people, you get the idea. There are also things that fear is an acceptable response to: Cops, heights, giant spiders, disease.

It is okay to fear for your safety right now and we need to recognize that. The reality of it is that our entire world has changed virtually overnight, tens of thousands are dead and hundreds of thousands could follow, and literally any one of us could be the next. We can't see the virus, we don't know everything about it's effects(The loss of taste and smell that some people have reported suggests a neurological element that is super worrying), we can't tell when we have been exposed, and we don't know how to cure it or prevent it with a vaccine.

We are damned lucky it doesn't have the death rate of something like Ebola, there would literally be bodies in the streets in all major cities if that was the case.

Being scared is perfectly reasonable and we have to accept that nearly every one of us is terrified. We have to accept that because otherwise we can't react properly. We'll do things like attack anyone who looks Asian, or swarm government buildings with firearms demanding the right to go to the beach, or, or, or. 

We have a reluctance to publicly discuss emotion, to show vulnerability. I certainly have it, I can do so over this medium and do so pretty well I think, but in person is a lot harder. That trend is changing, I see more people being publicly affectionate, I hear I love you more often, that sort of thing, but talking about being scared is not really done. We keep it to ourselves "man up" and keep on going until we have a breakdown in our car while at work, or we take it out on our loved ones at home. I have managed to avoid the latter, but I can't say the same about the former.

That fear leads to anger, minor annoyances become unforgivable offences, and everything Yoda says becomes true, suddenly we are all gonna choke someone for even the smallest mistake.

I'm not saying the other stuff isn't valid mind, yes you wear a mask more to protect others than yourself, you stay home so that you don't get sick and so that you don't get your mom sick, but let's be real here, we're scared and that is okay too.