I've got a fair bit on my mind, I have my first real shift at a new job tomorrow, it is probably something I can do in my sleep, but it will be the first time in something like five years that I will work for a paycheck, and that is exciting and terrifying.
I have been thinking about the second amendment and how it is more or less useless these days for its intended purpose, and the level of control we live under without even realizing it.
On a related note, I also have been thinking about the recent police shooting in SC, I'm sure I'll have more on that later.
I worry about money constantly, which you'd think wouldn't be hard, I mean I have no money, it feels like the base level of angst about that begins and ends with "can't afford it"
I worry that my wife secretly hates me for ruining her life by draining all of our finances into the store that I ended up closing with nothing tangible to show for it and forcing us to move out of our rather nice and affordable house back in with the in laws, who are wonderful people and I love them, but I also worry that they hate me for the above reasons too.
Every day people tell me how happy they are that I have accomplished basic tasks of existing in society, making me wonder if they are saying it just out of politeness, or because they expect no better out of me, or if it really is that surprising that I meet some minimum standard of decency and functionality that it needs reinforcing.
I have my neuroses is what I am saying, and I am not fishing for compliments here, I require no one to tell me "Logan, you are really a wonderful person don't worry about it".
On the other hand, I am not starving (Which is obvious if you've seen me) I am in decent health, with a roof over my head and people I trust around me, I just got a job again, which isn't anything to sneeze at. I have a wife and friends who if what they say is to be believed, love me. I have the freedom to bitch on the internet at 1:15 AM about problems that a lot of people would kill for.
But I did have a point, and here it is: So what? Problems don't stop being problems because other people have it worse, everyone I know has their stuff, many worse than me, and most of them will say they feel bad about complaining because others have it worse, they aren't dead so it shouldn't be an issue, sort of the whole "eat your food, there are children starving in Africa' argument. It's bullshit, nothing should prevent you from striving for better no matter the circumstances, if the only thing wrong with your life is a mole you want removed, and you are in a position to do so, then you shouldn't feel bad about getting it removed! You don't have to suffer because other people are suffering, it doesn't bring them up, it just brings you down, and the average with it.
It's hard to strive, and the only one who can make the decision to do so is you, it is hard enough to motivate in the best of circumstances, add poverty and depression into the mix, as it seems most of the people I know have, me included, and just making sure you eat once a day feels like a great achievement. And then you are told "Don't complain, other people have it worse" and every time you hear it the hope for change dwindles, because you should try to be happy with what you have, even when that seems to be nothing.
I am not saying that if life is crap, and it doesn't get better, it is because you don't want to change, there are positions to be in that make change hard, especially for those who don't have healthy support systems to fall back on. What I am saying is that even with a support system or the resources to do so, improvement is impossible until that malaise is overcome. I don't know that I can claim to have been able to do it honestly, but I have seen it happen, people I have met years ago with almost literally nothing biting and clawing their way into something more... anything, maybe a better job, maybe a better romantic relationship, perhaps they get therapy for something, find a religion, get a roommate, cut a poisonous family member out of their life, create art in their favored medium. They all strive to make this year ever so slightly better than the last.
And sometimes they fail, sometimes the business closes, sometimes they can't get away from the family member, sometimes they need the crappy roommate because they pay the rent, Or the job turns out to be a scam. But they had the hope that it wouldn't, and without trying, how would they find out?
I hate it when people say to be happy with what you have, I don't actually disagree with the sentiment, but what they are often actually saying is, don't try to get more, if you make it from today to tomorrow you are fine, but life isn't for just getting through the day, if it was we wouldn't have things like the entertainment industry I spend so much time writing about, or game stores, or any of the million things in this world created because someone wanted something better than what they had.
There is a reason the idea of complacency being the ideal state of mind is so pervasive, and I will talk about it another day.
Tonight though I am going to try to put my neuroses aside, get some sleep, and start my job tomorrow, improving my life and that of those around me ever so slightly, I might fail, I might get there late and they fire me on the spot, I might screw up on the job, I might, I might, I might. But at least I'll have tried, and failing will suck, and it might keep me from trying again for a while while I struggle with my brain and try to kick it in the pants, but if I succeed then I will have managed to make this year slightly better than the last.
And maybe not sound so pompous in the future, perhaps I will work on that too, goodnight people, here is a frog:
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